Characters/Pairings: Jack, Ianto, Owen, Tosh, Martha, mentions of the Doctor and OC *snicker*
Rating: PG for inference.
Word Count: 1335
Spoilers: The whole series.
Warnings: Silliness within. Proceed with caution. Possible insanity.
Disclaimer: I don't own TW, DW, RTD, BBC, or any other acronyms. I dabble. No offense or disrespect to anyone involved in these shows is intended. Don't sue! *Hides under desk*
Author’s Note: This was written to get the silliness out of my system. And to make myself feel better. And to poke fun at myself (no offense is intended to anyone at all, except maybe myself). Also, I swear I like Gwen. I really do. Most of the time. Let me know what you think! :)
Ianto sighed and ran his hand through his hair, wondering if it would be possible to retcon an entire parallel world at once.
“Martha Jones!” shouted Jack excitedly as she walked into the Hub. He bounded over to her like an excited puppy.
“Hi Jack,” she beamed and looked around. “Where is everyone?”
“Conference room, waiting for you. If madam would please follow me?” The accent he affected made her giggle.
“Will there be coffee?”
“But of course.”
“Right, then, Martha says she has something important to tell us,” Jack began.
“World’s ending again?” Owen snarked.
Only Ianto caught the glimmer of mischief in Martha’s eyes. It made him even more anxious than the thought of the world ending. That look never signaled anything positive.
“Well,” she drawled, “not quite.”
She looked around at the four pairs of raised eyebrows and tried to keep herself from giggling.
“You all remember Russ, right?” she began.
“Yeah,” Jack grumbled. “I don’t think we could forget.”
“What happened to him? One day he was here, the next, he was gone. No rift activity, not even a blip,” mused Tosh, biting her lip nervously.
“I still think Myfanwy ate him.”
“Owen, Myfanwy doesn’t normally eat humans. And she would’ve had indigestion, which she didn’t.”
“Whatever.” He hated how Ianto had to be so damn logical all of the time.
Martha, watching with amusement, cleared her throat.
“I know exactly what happened,” she replied, pausing for dramatic effect. “Somehow, he ended up on a parallel world. It must not’ve been the rift that took him, if what Tosh says is true. But he’s there. Has been for decades.”
“Decades? He only left three months ago!” Tosh yelped.
“Yeah, decades. He’s...older now than you would’ve remembered him, in any case.”
“Okay,” Jack said. “So he got sent to a parallel world. I doubt that’s why you came all this way.”
She grinned at him. “Of course not.”
More raised eyebrows followed as she lifted an exceptionally large sack from the floor and hoisted it onto the conference table. She pulled out three cellophane wrapped boxes and slid them over toward Jack. He picked one up and stared at the cover, his eyes growing big. Not one to be outdone, Owen leaned over the table and picked up another.
“Nice,” he whistled. “But who’s the brunette?”
“Well,” Martha sighed, “that answers my next question, I think. None of you know anyone named Gwen?”
“I know a girl named Gwen. Nothing to do with Torchwood, though. And she’s seven.”
Everyone looked at Owen suspiciously.
“What? She’s my neighbor’s daughter!”
“He made a TV show about us?” Jack grumbled. “So much for secret organization.”
“Oh, it gets better!” Martha’s eyes gleamed. “Let me start from the beginning, yeah?”
They all nodded, each looking a little nervous.
“The Doctor was regenerating again, and wanted to give me one last trip. He wanted me to meet Rose, but we ended up in a different parallel world. Parallel worlds are a problem for him. Anyway, we stayed in London for a bit. And we saw this big poster of Jack, coat and everything. Gave the Doctor a good scare, it did. Thought you had somehow reactivated your Vortex Manipulator,” she giggled, the excitement of the retelling making her glow. “The poster was for what looked like a television show. So he and I watched it. And then we realized that there was one about him, too! Had been, since the ‘60s, so we’re thinking someone else got over into that world, too.”
“Wait…we’re just a spinoff!?” Owen interrupted with a scowl.
“Yep, sorry. As I was saying, we ended up watching the whole series. This Gwen character, we think it’s supposed to be Russ.”
“And how did you get to that conclusion?” Jack’s voice was wary.
“Well, he created the show,” she said, letting the information sink in. “Gwen’s the heart and soul of the team. She was a cop before finding Torchwood. She sleeps with Owen, has some strange thing with Jack, still maintains a stable relationship with a man named Rhys, her former beat partner Andy is in love with her, and she is the only one aside from Jack who survives at the end. Pregnant.”
“Only one who survives?” whispered Tosh.
“Yeah. He kills you and Owen off for good at the end of the second season. He does Ianto in towards the end of the third. It was touching, really, if a bit carelessly done.” She looked at Ianto apologetically. “At least you died in Jack’s arms. Although your death really wasn’t as heroic as it should have been.”
“No, of course it wasn’t,” Ianto muttered as Jack walked around the desk to stand behind him, resting his hands protectively on Ianto’s shoulders.
“He took care of Suzie properly, though,” Martha continued. “Until he brought her back from the dead and killed her again, that is.”
“He never did like her.” Jack sighed. “So, he kills off everyone, leaving me with Gwen, who’s really him? What about this Rhys fellow?”
“Rhys is still there, with Gwen. They’re married. You go off to wallow and brood. Oh! It’s even worse, because he makes you kill your grandson.”
“My…grandson? I don’t have a grandson.”
“I know,” Martha said, pointedly. “Whatever you did to him must’ve pissed him off good and proper.”
“More like what he didn’t do,” huffed Owen.
“Tosh,” Jack interrupted, the tone of command edging back in his voice. “Do we have anything that can play these?”
“Not sure, Jack. I’ll work on it, though.”
“Good. All right, Martha. What else is in the bag?”
He almost regretted asking when he saw the bright gleam in her eye.
“This,” she indicated the bag, “is the response to Torchwood. I couldn’t very well print off everything, so I saved as much as I could on mem files. But I did make copies of some of the best. It’s fan fiction.”
She pulled out what seemed to be reams upon reams of paper. How she had managed to carry it all in, the team had no idea. They each grabbed a document and began to read while Martha looked on expectantly.
“That isn’t even physically possible,” Jack murmured as he quickly flipped through the pages in his hand. “I can’t even do that, and I can do a lot of things.”
“Wait, wait, wait!” Owen shouted. “I would never say that to tea-boy! He’d have me on decaf for a month! I’m not stupid!”
Martha giggled. Tosh and Ianto hadn’t said anything yet, but were reading intently. The former’s eyes were wide, and the latter had a blush that was threatening to take over his whole body. Almost as if on cue, the two grinned and switched copies.
“No one really wants any of you dead,” Martha said softly. “Especially Ianto. And a lot of them really dislike Gwen, which is telling, yeah?”
“That’s…reassuring,” Ianto breathed. “Was this parallel world particularly, uh, sex-crazed?” He looked up at Jack and his stomach fluttered; he could tell by the look on the man’s face that he was getting ideas. Based on what he himself had read, he wasn’t sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing.
Martha laughed and was about to speak when she was interrupted by a yelp from Jack.
“Pregnant!? I can’t get pregnant!”
Ianto’s flushed cheeks suddenly went pale.
“Thanks for bringing all of this,” Ianto said as he walked Martha to the lift.
“Oh, it was my pleasure,” she grinned. “Trust me.”
He chuckled and hugged her. She started to step on the lift when she seemed to remember something. She reached into her unburdened bag and grinned wider.
“I almost forgot,” she said as she lifted a red UNIT cap from its depths and handed it to him.
Taking the hat, he stared at her, eyes practically dripping with wary confusion.
“When Tosh gets those discs to work, you’ll understand.” She winked and rose with the lift.