sariagray (sariagray) wrote,

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Not So Secret

Title: Not So Secret
Characters/Pairings: Jack/Ianto, Gwen/Rhys, Owen/Tosh (slight hints)
Rating: PG13-ish?
Word Count: Between 1000 and 1500, somewhere.
Spoilers: Nothing really. Owen and Tosh are still alive. Everyone is happy, so this may just be an AU.
Warnings: Occasional language, minor sexual innuendo, Fluff! IM!Fic, Christmasy. Unbeta'd.
Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction and artwork. No monetary compensation has been or will be garnered from this endeavor. This is purely for entertainment purposes and is no way intended to disrespect the creators/owners of Torchwood.

Author's Note: This was written as a holiday gift to 
[info]thebuttonontop. She requested: "Rhys/Ianto bff-fic! and Tosh/Owen!! please pretty please??" This, uh, sort of meets those guidelines, I guess? She has also been on me about IM!Fic. SO I decided to kill as many birds with as few stones as possible. THIS IS ALL HER FAULT! :) Happy Christmas, dear. A few weeks early, but still.

A/N 2:
I know that normal people don't IM or text with correct grammar/spelling/punctuation. But I do and I can't break my habits. This was written pretty much in "real time" so it may seem a bit disjointed. Sorry. And now I have a headache from all of the voices in my head after writing this.

A/N 3: This is interactive. Clicky the linkies! (All links are work-and-family safe). Link explanations at the bottom.

Not So Secret
(Ianto has entered the conversation)

(Rhys has entered the conversation)

Ianto: Could you please inform your darling wife that Secret Santa is the worst idea she’s ever had?

Rhys: Worst? I thought “Never Have I Ever” was the worst.

Ianto: Right. I amend my previous statement. Second worst.

Rhys: Who’d you get, then?

Ianto: Her. Of course. Which isn’t really fair because I already got Jack something. So now I have to buy two presents.

Rhys: Ha! Who’d Jack get?

Ianto: It’s secret, remember?

Rhys: Yes, and you’re Ianto, so who’d he get?

Ianto: Me. I think, anyway. He looked relieved. And before you ask, I know Owen got Tosh.

Rhys: I’ll find out who Gwen got later.

Ianto: So what do I get her?

Rhys: Well, there’s this KitchenAid mixer she’s had her eye on.

Ianto: Oh? Has she, now?

Rhys: She has. She talks about it every night, she does.

Ianto: If you want me to buy you a KitchenAid mixer for Christmas, just ask.

Rhys: Fine. Will you buy me a KitchenAid mixer for Christmas?

Ianto: Absolutely not.

Rhys: I’m crushed.

Ianto: I can tell. Anything else you want to pretend your wife wants?

Rhys: A new car. Oh, and a boat. And a Kegerator.

Ianto: Good to see her tastes are consistent. She’s set a £20 spending limit, though, sorry.
Ianto: Wait! Does that mean if Jack already bought me something for more than £20, he has to buy me something else that fits within the limit?

Rhys: You greedy bastard. And yes. It does. I’ll make sure Gwen brings it up.

Ianto: My hero.

Rhys: But only if you get her something I want.

Ianto: Do you think she’ll suspect?

Rhys: Of course, but she won’t dare say anything.
Rhys: Oh, how about

Ianto: Hmm.
Ianto: That’s £27.99.

Rhys: I won’t tell if you won’t.

Ianto: The things I do for you. Fine.

Rhys: Quit complaining! I’m getting Jack to give you an extra gift!
Rhys: Has Owen asked you for advice yet?

Ianto: True.
Ianto: Not yet. I think he’s going to Gwen first. Gwen will then come ask me. There will be a whole bloody conference on “What Should Owen Get Tosh” sometime before noon tomorrow.

(Owen has entered the conversation)

Ianto: I’ll probably have to write up the agenda soon.

Rhys: Speak of the devil.

Owen: Rhys, mate, your wife has the worst ideas ever.

Rhys: So I’m told. I hear you got Tosh?

Owen: Yeah. What the hell do I get her? Perfume?

Ianto: Too impersonal unless you’re dating, and even then it has to be the right kind and paired with something slightly more individualized.

Owen: Have you got a bloody handbook or something?

Ianto: No, I’m just not a twat.

Rhys: Get her a subscription to something, like one of those Muffin-A-Month things.

Ianto: You can’t keep basing gift selections off what you want. And £20, remember?

Rhys: Right. Sorry.

Owen: You two have been SO much help. Thanks.

Ianto: Careful Rhys. I sense sarcasm.

Owen: Shut it. This is serious.

Honestly, she’ll be happy with whatever you get her.

Rhys: Here, try

Owen: Why would I get her a pasta maker?

Rhys: Oops, sorry. Meant

Ianto: I want that!

Owen: Nice thought, but she’d probably laugh at it.

Rhys: But that’s the point, isn’t it! She’ll have fun pointing out the mistakes AND she’ll be thrilled you noticed that she’s an evil genius!

Ianto: I still want it!
Ianto: Wait! Get her this one! Actually, get ME this one!

Owen: Hell, I want that!

Ianto: Never mind, forget I said anything.

Rhys: ?

Ianto: This book is not safe in the hands of Dr Owen Harper.

(Gwen has entered the conversation)

Owen: Muahaha.

Gwen: ???
Gwen: Is Owen playing a mad scientist again?

Ianto: I hate you, Gwen.

Owen: Me too.

Rhys: I don’t!

Gwen: Still can’t think of anything to buy Tosh?

Ianto: I TOLD you there was going to be a conference.

Rhys: And you without your agenda.

Gwen: What about

Ianto: Gwen, question. If Jack already bought me something, and then picked me, does he have to buy me something else?

Gwen: Yes, of course. I should tell him, shouldn’t I?

Owen: Wait, isn’t this all supposed to be secret?

Rhys: Torchwood? Keep secrets? Impossible, mate.

Ianto: True. And thanks Gwen! I hate you a little less now.

Owen: I like it but isn’t it a little cheap? I’d still have to find something else.

Rhys: It’s a limit, not a minimum. And you’re cheap, so it’s perfect.

Owen: Fine, right, I’ll get it. And maybe a £10 gift card to Starbucks or something?

Gwen: What Rhys said.
Gwen: Oh, good idea!

(Jack has entered the conversation)

Ianto: What, my coffee’s not good enough anymore?

Rhys: Ouch! Ianto, your coffee’s good enough for me. Leave these arses and make me some.

Jack: Excuse me?
Jack: Why is Rhys stealing Ianto from us?

Gwen: Jack! Hi! Just thought you should know that if you got something already for the person you picked, you still have to buy them another gift for the Secret Santa.

Ianto: Because he actually appreciates me?

Jack: ....
Jack: I hate you, Gwen.

Ianto: We should start a club. Rhys can’t join.
Ianto: What happened to Owen?

Rhys: Don’t know….

Owen: I’m here. Just ordering. Hang on.
Owen: Ianto, what the hell’s my Amazon password?
Owen: Forget it, I got it.

Jack: So you finally found something?

Ianto: Yes he did. We think. Maybe. Until he changes his mind again.

Rhys: Ianto didn’t have his agenda ready, so it was a bit bumpy at first.

Gwen: Please tell me you’re keeping Tosh busy.

Jack: Yeah, I sent her down to the archives to get a file.
Jack: A file that doesn’t exist.

Rhys: Well-played!

Ianto: You did WHAT?

Gwen: Not so well-played.

Jack: It’ll be fine. It’s Tosh. And I had to keep her busy somehow!

Ianto: Rhys, could you please inform Jack that I am currently not speaking to him?

Gwen: Oh, not this again!

Rhys: Jack, Ianto says he’s not speaking to you.

Jack: What? She won’t mess anything up! She’s good with organization!

Gwen: Will you two stop! And Rhys, don’t encourage them!

Owen: Back
Owen: I’m having it delivered to the front in Ianto’s name
Owen: What the hell did I miss now? They’re fighting again?

Ianto: Fine, but if anything is out of place, I’m coming after you.
Ianto: I’ll be on the lookout, Owen.

Rhys: I’m keeping out of it, mate. Don’t want to make the missus mad.

Jack: …Promise?

Gwen: Ugh! Boys.

Rhys: It’s almost lunch. I need to go make a call. Bye love. Bye all.

Gwen: Bye! xxx

Ianto: Hey, remember…you owe me. I want that book.
Ianto: And bye.

(Rhys has exited the conversation)

Jack: Bye
Jack: What book?

Ianto: This one.
Ianto: And no, you’re not buying it for me for Secret Santa.

Jack: Who says I picked you?

Gwen: Er, I might’ve hinted?

Ianto: You’re not as good at keeping a straight face as you think, Harkness.

Jack: Gwen, are trades allowed?

Gwen: Nope! Ha!

Jack: Still hate you, Gwen.
Jack: Where’s Owen?
Jack: Owen stop looking at porn!

Owen: I’m not! I was trying to find something else to give her!

Gwen: Aw, that’s sweet!

Owen: Well, I just don’t want everyone thinking I’m cheap!

Ianto: Too late for that.

Jack: Ianto, bring me some coffee?

Gwen: Bring you coffee? Is this a new code?

Owen: New code? Wasn’t it always the code?

Ianto: Yeah, as soon as I finish this.

Jack: What?

Ianto: Watching

Gwen: I thought it was “weevil hunting” or “work to do”?
Gwen: Oh no.
Gwen: This is going to be stuck in my head. ALL DAY.

Jack: And that’s more interesting than me?
Jack: I pay you all way too much.

Ianto: Yep.

(Ianto has exited the conversation)

(Jack has exited the conversation)

Owen: They’re interchangeable, I think. Depends.
Owen: What the hell is this shit?

Gwen: Hmm, good point.
Gwen: You know, you do kind of look like a hobbit.
Gwen: Did you decide on what else you’re getting her?
Gwen: Oh! She’s come back.

(Gwen has exited the conversation)

(Tosh has entered the conversation)

Owen: What’s that say about you, then?
Owen: Not yet, no. I want to get her something good, yeah? You and your bloody £20 limit!
Owen: Shit!

(Owen has exited the conversation)

(Tosh has exited the conversation)


*LINKS: 1 + 2 are to a pasta maker on Amazon UK. 3 through 6 are to books on Amazon UK about maths and probability and technical tricks for "evil geniuses". The last is a YouTube video that's been stuck in my head mixing lines from Lord of the Rings with a nifty beat.
Tags: fanfic, jack/ianto, one-shot, torchwood

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